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Comic-Con vs. Your Proctologist


This week everybody and his grandmother is at Comic-Con in San Diego. Granny is the one in the sexy hentai outfit. I went a couple of years ago and that was enough. Where I hang out, the ratio of marginally sane to completely crazy people is about 5 to 1. That is, for every five people you have one gibbering lunatic. Sometimes they are quietly gibbering so they don't attract notice, but they are there all the same. At Comic-Con, there are five borderline personalities to every one relatively normal person, and the borderline personalities are on the wrong side of the border. Perhaps worse, the normal person is likely to be in Sales and Marketing. 

Let's compare a visit to Comic-Con to a visit to your proctologist. I believe we will find the visit to the proctologist to be, in the end, a more tolerable experience. 

1. You have to travel a long way to go to Comic-Con. Your proctologist is likely to be much nearer. 

2. Once you are there, Comic-Con is very hot, because it's in San Diego. Even if your proctologist is in San Diego, he or she is likely to have air conditioning. Much of what goes on at Comic-Con is NOT sufficiently air conditioned, perhaps because it's impossible to adequately cool down a room stuffed with 150,000 heaving human beings in a state of extreme arousal. 

3. Your proctologist maintains a quiet, safe environment. Not so with Comic-Con. It's very noisy and at times quite perilous. The year I went, two people got into a knife fight over seating at one of the panels. Nobody died, but you don't want to be around people with knives, generally, unless they're being wielded by an expert, like your proctologist. 

4. There are excellent, legal drugs at your proctologist, who dispenses them liberally and knowledgeably. At Comic-Con, the only drug available, for the most part, is alcohol, and you can get that without waiting in line for it behind six guys dressed like Iron Man except with enormous bellies. 

5. Your proctologist has a very pleasant waiting room, I am sure. The waiting room for the San Diego Convention Center is the street outside the building, which is not comfortable and has no magazines. 

6. The area around Comic-Con really has no public transport. You find yourself walking everywhere through enormous crowds of bumptious people who are either frenetically maniacal or ill-tempered. Your proctologist may be easily reached in the privacy of your car or via easily accessible bus, subway or taxi. 

7. Your proctologists office is never crowded, because people avoid going there as much as they possibly can. Everybody wants to go to Comic-Con, so it's very, very, very, very, very crowded, and you can get into a rock-concert or soccer match level of swarm. 

8. You know why you're at your proctologist, for the most part, and that knowledge offsets any discomfort you may have to endure while you are there. Not so for Comic-Con. Beyond the 20 minute business reason for which you came, the rational person at Comic-Con is constantly asking him or herself why the frig he or she is doing this again. 

9. A visit to the proctologist can save your life. Your visit to Comic-Con may make you question its value. 

10. You don't need to see your proctologist more than once every four or five years. If you're at Comic-Con, chances are you're going to be forced to go there every year until you age out or convince somebody that South by Southwest is more important. 


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