Serious Studies

Corporate Earnings Press Release, Mad Libs Edition

Earnings Slide

As promised on Friday, here is a generic earnings release for use by every public company during this particular earnings season.

JULY/AUGUST __, 2009


NEW YORK/LA/CHICAGO/PETALUMA --  Your Corporation Here  (STOCK SYMBOL) today reported results for the second quarter ended June 30, 2009.

BOILERPLATE QUOTE FROM TOP EXECUTIVE OFFICER: "These are tough times," said Bob Boberts, Chairman of Your Corporation Here. "But tough times call for tender chickens and ours are the most fat and juicy in what is, right now, a very lean and stringy sector. There's no question that there will be winners and losers before the economy starts to shake and bake again. We're planning on being among the winners and Ned, Ed and the rest of the operating team are in place to deliver on that promise."

BOILERPLACE QUOTE FROM TOP OPERATING OFFICER: "We are pleased to report improvement from the first quarter in most key financial measures," said Ned Nedwards, Chief Operating Officer. "While year-to-year comparisons are still extraordinarily gnarly, we are particularly pleased with the modest growth in EPS/cash flow/kidney beans that we achieved through a combination of cost containment and creative accounting. We remain convinced that we have seen the bottom of this downturn and, while the top of the upturn is still going sideways, the future of our industry is bright and shiny and our place in it secure."

Second Quarter 2009 Results

Revenues for the second quarter of 2009 totaled $___ billion, down from/only slightly greater than the $___ billion for the same quarter last year. The decline/small increase was due to really lousy economic conditions suffered by everybody, you dummies.  The decline/sad little incline in revenue was partially offset by the elimination of complimentary non-dairy coffee creamer in all offices nationwide.

Earnings before intimidation, depression and aggravation (“EBITDA”) for the second quarter of 2009 was $____ million compared with $___ million for last year’s second quarter, a decline that was mirrored not only by other corporations in the Company's business sector but in the entire meta-system that makes up the nexus of corporate capitalism worldwide.  Operating income was $____ million versus $___ million for the same quarter last year, for much the same reasons. In both cases, these results were were partially offset by cancellation of the Company's annual "We're Doing Great!" offsite in Sanibel Island.

Reported net earnings were $___ million, or $.__ per increasingly diluted share. While this compared somewhat disfavoably to the same period in 2008, the fact that there WERE earnings probably places the Company in a more advantageous position than many of the investment banks, newspapers and websites that today are reporting on this earnings announcement.

First Half 2009 Results

N.B. You may put whatever you like in this space. Nobody either reads about or cares about the results of the first half, a fact that does not mitigate the need for stuff to fill this space. Possible selections include sections of Tom Peters and Robert Waterman's In Search of Excellence, and the opening chapters of any book by Dickens.

Contact:  Your PR Person Here (c/o either the local tavern or mental institution), e-mail, phone, etc.

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I'll be back tomorrow with a similar template for reporters and analysts who are covering earnings.

13 Comments Add Comment

hey - you stole my company's report......well done.

Bing, have you gone mad?

Corporate America will tolerate articles on executrixing, and other satirical jabs. However, this document is a direct blow at all CEO/CFO, and corporate investment VP’s. Think of how much they are paid to extract the quarterly voodoo that has a huge bearing on their ability to squeeze salary and stock options from their boards. This is serious stuff here you are not just peeking behind the curtain you are tearing the curtain down and mooning the powers that be.

This form you cooked up actually reads better than most of the earnings reports I have seen in the real world over the last 25 years.

Tomorrow’s article will not be as offensive because as Galbraith said, “The function of economic foresting is to make astrology look respectable.”

So Bing, could this little vacation you just got back from be confused with a furlough?

Certainly not, John. I'm back in the saddle and rarin' for action.

Gee, Stan, your expounding of nerdomania is comparable to that of any class a business school, Great!

Too sum it a CEO would put it...We are steady and secure..
We aren't falling,,,the bottom is just rising up very quickly towards us....brace for impact....

Ah yes, the melody of promise in the words...send it to press...

I saw The Bob Dylan Show in Bethel NY this past rocked...but only if the words were as lucid...good thing I can remember the words, or I wouldn't know the song...what a great show...

40 years since Woodstock...hard to believe...also 7/20/69 forty years since the first Moonwalk (not Michael Jackson's)

Tick Tick...

This is great! Bing's form even has places to insert the usual lies and sunshine - stuff to make people dumb enough to buy this company's stock.

I see no reason why we should all be using different press releases. Our results are all pretty much the same right now.

Did you get a release from my company before posting this? It's word for word.

I don't think our COO would use a word like "gnarly"...he's a bit stuffy like that...

Also, what about these chickens? Do they still have their heads, or are they dying and case someone should query?

They're fire roasted, Robbie.

Ahh, I see...hickory wood fire, I hope? Sizzle does not only apply to steak...