Bing Blog

Exclusive bulletins from the archives of TMZ!!

Tiberius

Exclusive! Kinky sex at Caesar's swimming pool! (31 AD) Lazy, no-show emperor Tiberius found in naked sex-romp with underage boys at his lewd and lacivious luxury getaway in Capri! "I like to swim underneath them and grab their junk," perverted Caesar tells an unnamed "member" of his legion. "He'll never survive this," said one Senator. "It's better for him to resign right now." [more...]

Exclusive pics! Ben Franklin gets lapdance from French cutie! Royalists in Pennsylvania legislature are now call for his resignation, but friends of the randy roue assured TMZ that the eccentric diplomat intends to "hang in there" no matter what revelations are made about what his "poor Richard" is up to...  [more]

Exclusive! President Buchanan is gay! Rumors have been swirling for years about the dignified perpetual bachelor, but TMZ can now confirm that sources close to sources have seen the foppish Prez "bending over a page when he's done with his reading." [more]

Exclusive! Behind the scenes peek in the President Lincoln's history of mental illness!  (1863) "He was close to suicide there a couple of times back in Illinois," says a former friend from Unshaven Abe's woodsplitting days. High ranking operatives in the President's own Republican party are now asking the President to release his medical records or face impeachment. In the meantime, war operations against the South are on permanent hold while the media and Congress investigate this matter. "His wife isn't right in the head either," said another source... [more]

Exclusive interview with Leon Czolgosz, the man who allegedly shot President McKinley! (1901) "He got what was coming to him," says the darkly handsome, intense young anarchist, who loves dogs and likes to summer in the Finger Lakes not far from where he fired the fatal shot. The President at the time of his death facing unnamed allegations and calls to resign from a number of sources close to TMZ. "I'm really a good person," the charismatic gunman adds, going on to say that... [more]

Hey! Who's running the nation, Woody!? (1919) Sources close to the White House reveal exclusively to TMZ that President Wacky Woodman Wilson had "a serious brain incident" sometime in the last several months, and that his wife, the long, lean and oh-so crafty Edith (who we hear likes to bathe in the nude) is now running the country, to which we ask, "Who elected YOU, dearie?"  [more...]

Exclusive! Icky Eleanor is a lesbian! (1932)... Calls come from both sides of the aisle for FDR resignation, but so far nobody has asked to see the "steamy" pictures of Easy Ellie in her love nest with hottie Lorena "Hump Me" Hickok... [more]

Exclusive! Priapic Ike in love tryst with his driver, sexy Kay Summersby! (1944) They don't call her "OK Kay" for nothing! Intense pressure on "Gotta Have It Every Hour" Eisenhower to step down from his post as the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in Europe, but rumors are widespread that something even more important is planned for early June of this year. We'll tell you all about that when we find out from our sources in Yorkville...  [more...]

Exclusive! JFK in all-day sex binge with... everybody!" (1962) "He just can't keep it in his pants!" says one lucky housemaid. Calls for resignation have come from... [more]

Exclusive! J. Edgar Hoover's  Naughty Undies! (1958) Congressional sources who insist on anonymity are calling for an investigation into the allegations that Horny Hoover never looked into organized crime because they've got the pics of his frilly panties. [more...]

Exclusive! Loony Lyndon in Gross Potty Parade! (1965) Numerous White House officials tell TMZ that the President Johnson routinely has meetings with aides and others while he's sitting on the toilet! Calls have come from the Legion of Decency and other super-moral groups for the President's resignation. If he leaves, we hope he pulls up his pants first! [more]

And more to come! Send in your bulletins from the past, when there was no digital space to protect us from all the guys who, you know, lack the good judgment necessary to be our leaders!

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Exclusive! Bing actually believes corporate propaganda. Noted auteur of the corporate boardroom milieu Stanley Bing was seen yesterday reading Fortune magazine, an issue listing the most powerful and wealthy individuals on this globe. Bing occasionally looked up from the glossy reflection of the paper and photos and exclaimed, “I’m a believer! I’m a believer!” Concerned office personnel who attempted an intervention were summarily dismissed, as Bing now too had become a believer in firing people who cared—whether it was people who cared about themselves and/or others. Without missing nearly a beat, Bing read literature from sellers of stock and mutual funds and called out, “Amen, brother. Amen, brother.” A senior corporate official would only comment, “We finally got Bing to eat his own words. His stomach will be upset for a little while, but we are delighted he is a team player extraordinaire and will contribute to a healthy bottom line, no longer allowing his subversions to leave him with the gold and the company with the shaft.” Continued reading requires subscription.

Well this is customarily tasteful. What the heck:

Exclusive! Grog Bones Chimp (40,000 B.C.) Mayor Grog jumped down from a fruit tree today and whacked a chimp on the head with a bone. The Chimp left. {more}

Where are all your peeps to read this witty recap of history? Oh well the hell with them. I enjoyed a trip back in time and the gentle brick over the head reminder that as ridiculous they seem...they are us!!

What someone does on their own time (and own computer) should be their own business. However, poor behavior opens a person up for exploitation by any bad actors who know about it. If you believe the history books, spies have been doing this for as long as anyone can rememner.

A congressman isn't important enough to worry about, but I would never vote for a Senatorial or Presidential candidate who demonstrated that kind of behavior.

Actually, Bing, none of those guys possessed the good judgment to be leaders....does anybody that seeks 'greatness' possess the necessary humility? I tend to only trust people who unwillingly have the responsibilities of leadership thrust upon them....they are the only leaders that bother to care what others might think about the effects of their 'leadership'. On occasion, they may actually listen to good advice (and, I suspect, to the little voice inside that says "this might not be a good idea").

I guestion the 'good judgment' of anybody who wants to lead us. They're generally just grown-up versions of the same irritating and pompous turds that comprised every ASB officers' ensemble (at least that I can recall)....and it's very entertaining to watch their self-destruction...glorious schadenfreude....delivered digitally, hourly, served hot and fresh!

But that was not our Bing assignment....so here goes...

Well placed Philippino Resistance sources report that the corn-cob pipe sporting General 'Whacky Tobacky' MacArthur was spotted sneaking into the Manila love-nest of his latest consort....the shoe-loving Imelda....and escaping to a waiting Allied submarine just minutes before the landing of the Japanese Imperial Army....all the while solemnly swearing, in post-coital gratitude, that "I shall return".

I like it, Mike. But all of my "bulletins" were 100% fact-based. I think you've stretched the metaphorical umbrella here a little bit.

Hey, UFK, a man's gotta do what he's gotta do, even though it may be distasteful. Working has its problems, we all know that. Working for a living can be hazardous to one's health, look what's happened to Bin Laden and the heat Gaddaffi brought on himself, their occupations could have been bankers; perhaps, slightly less hazardous.

He's got to think about his other half, too: happy wife, happy life. Bingo!

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