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How to Work Your New Year's Party

How to Work Your New Year's Party

by Stanley Bing


Do not under any circumstances eat anything with poppy seeds in it. Your Company's HR Department may be conducting random drug testing on January 1.  


Even if it's a really terrific party, try not to hug anybody for more than two seconds without a written statement permitting such behavior. Handshake and chest bump is the preferred greeting. And to be safe, avoid the mistletoe altogether, with a 10 foot margin.

Even if they have a karaoke machine, let somebody else sing Pour A Little Sugar On It. 


If the specialty cocktail tastes delicious, that means it's full of sugar and you're getting wasted.


If you must barf, do so in the in private, and choose the right restroom. 


Be nice to the catering help, but not so nice that people think you're one of them. 


If you have to tell someone you're in love with them, let it be someone who knows it already.


This is not the time to tell the host that you’re lactose intolerant and can’t enjoy the cheese plate.


As things draw to a close, do NOT stand in the middle of the room and scream “WHERE’S THE !@#$! AFTERPARTY?!”


If there is a goodie bag, make sure you get at least one.

Be discreet. Be neat. What happens at the party does not stay there. So do not work it like a cheap whore. Work it like an expensive one.


Happy New Year. Hopefully. 

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