Killed on Vacation? Not me!
Saturday, Jun. 23, 2012 at 8:20am
Every year some poor business doofus is written up in the obit section of the NY Times for some idiot accident that occurred when he (it is usually a male person of some standing) died on vacation.
One time it was a moron with no experience who fell off the side of a Scottish hillside. He was butted into the ocean by an enraged ram who was protecting his ewes.
Another time, it was an advertising executive who died while scuba diving. He had never been scuba diving before, of course. Figured he would suddenly go under water where you can't breathe and the pressure will kill you for the first time at the age of, like, 45.
Another guy was killed by a shark.
I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. We're going to a bunch of remote places. In the first, where I am right now, there will be a lot of hiking, I think. People who go hiking can be killed by rattlesnakes and over-exert themselves to the point of having circulatory or neurological issues. You can also get a wicked sunburn, particularly if you have a small and almost undetectable bald spot. There's also a redwood hot tub here, where I could drown if I have one too many at happy hour. I'm going to have to watch out for those things.
At our next location, there will be some horses. You know what can happen around horses. They can kick you in the head. They can throw you over a fence. They can fall over and crush you. I don't think I can avoid getting on one. But I'm going to ask for a very old one who can't wait to get back to the feedbag.
Finally, we're ending up in a big national park with glaciers and mountains, where if I'm not sensible I could probably freeze to death on a rocky cairn or meet up with a bear. I've read a bunch about how to behave when you run into a bear in one of my favorite publications, Backpacker Magazine. The solution is very confusing. Either you are very, very quiet, or you wave your arms around and make a lot of noise, or lie down and play dead or fight back with all you got, depending on a precise judgment on how the bear is acting. I don't think if I met a bear, I would be able to make precise judgments. I'm hoping for rain.
I'll be back in a couple of weeks. No place I'm going doesn't have wi-fi, by the way, even the one with bears. So if you want to hear from me, just come here. There will be no need to check the Obits.