Bing Blog

Twitter paranoia

Twitter Bird

I woke up this morning and realized something was definitely off. Wrong, you know. A kind of... squirrely feeling, like something was lurking just around the corner, and that was before I even left the house. I walked into the living room and there was nothing there. But there had been. There was a scent of something lingering that didn't belong. I couldn't quite place it. I threw on my clothes and got out of there.

It was no better on the street. There seemed to be something  just out of sight, beyond the scope of my peripheral vision. Every time I would glance in its general direction - where I felt it might be - it sort of vaporized, leaving a vague aura where something, perhaps, had been. It was cold, so I decided to take a cab. The truth was, I also felt kind of nervous being out there. Who knew what might be gaining on me if I moved too slowly? As I always do, I looked at my BlackBerry while sitting in traffic. That's when I saw what was going on. "Hi, stanbing," it said. "Jonathan Sirlin is now following your updates on Twitter." I should have known. It's happened a lot recently.

Only last Friday, while I was downstairs doing some laundry, I opened up the dryer to find Lex Warschovsky in there. He was all crumpled up in a little ball, as you can imagine, but it was definitely him. He looked okay otherwise. I haven't seen him since we were both newbies at the corporation. Lex didn't make it and is, I believe, doing Marketing Communications somewhere in the midwest right now. I wish him well, but I have no desire to have him following me. I deleted his profile the minute I got upstairs and he hasn't bothered me since.

That wasn't the first time, either. There was Norval Popper, who I believe was a college associate of mine for a time. Don't remember much about him, so it was pretty much of a shock when I found him taking a shower in my hotel room last time I was in LA.  I deleted him pretty quick. But it bugged me plenty, I won't lie to you. Now they're coming fast and furious and it's all I can do to get rid of them all. I have to get busy right now, in fact. I just looked out the window of my office and yes, that's him, Sirlin, standing by the hot dog stand at the corner and peering up at my building.  And down the street, isn't that Rosencrantz, my former bunkmate at summer camp, sitting on a bench and peeking out from behind a newspaper?

There's only one solution to this nonsense. I'm going to have to delete myself. It may be painful for a brief time, but in the end, I guess, some virtual lives are not worth living.

18 Comments Add Comment

Bewilderment is what I see.

Perhaps you should reinvent your self as Mike Tyson did: After reviewing his life at some movie festival; he decided he now understands why people are bewildered by his behavior.

Keep dreaming, Stan, perhaps you can drean up a fortune and be a "mogul" yourself?

Narcissism, pure narcissism.

Quick, Please post this thing, Bing.

Hello, Dad!

We have a lot of catching up to do!

There is a limit to everything in life, big empires were built in a time in which fax was a sci-fi concept, we sent a man to the moon on a rocket equipped with the computer power of a today's 99 cent calculator,,, Im not against progress and technology, I'm against some of the uses,,, Twitter is an example, who the hell wants to know what am I doing right now? who the hell wants to know what everybody else is doing? why do we need this? what is the benefit to humanity? the last 4 or 5 "social" functions I have attended I have been asked about my Twitter account,,,the first thing that came to my mind was that "twitter" was a funny new name for one's privates!!,,, no I do not have a "Twitter" nor "facebook" no "linkedin..whatever" no "myspace",,,,it is pathetic.

Morning,,Bing..Good thing I bought one of those diploma's on the net that qualifies me to treat your problem.

All your symtoms are classic "Old Timers desease"...nothing to worry about...happens to us all,,,in the future you are likely to have the following happen to you...

look for your glasses only to realize you have them tilted up on your forehead...once it took me half an hour to figure that one out...

Can't find your teeth in the used to make us laugh with that one...

Walking around with your fly open,,or the classic,,,putting your shoes on before you put your pants on,,, are on your way to getting full membership in the exclusive club for senile seniors

Not to worry,,,nice thing about being senile,,,you don't know you are..and you can watch the same movies over and over again and enjoy them each time....

Jack, with due respect, I'm 30 years away from the geezer thing. I think staying away from Twitter is part of remaining young. Half the people on these supposedly cool social networks are old folks trying to stay current with what they think the parade is doing when in fact it has already passed on to the next iteration. Facebook is now full of middle-school kids and members of AARP.

Bing: you forgot to mention that Facebook, besides being full of middle-school kids and members of AARP, it is also full of woman in their 40's, that lie and say they are 30 in their profile, desperate to get married trying to project something they are not.

Bing: good thing you talked about this "cool social network" stuff, I was beginning to feel part of an outcast group in earth, the group of friends I have, they are all over the US, Canada and Mexico, we do not belong to any of this cool social networks,,,we are all in our late 30's early 40's,, we feel these sites are stupid and ridiculous and we do not have the time to go there, we are busy building a life, I find that people who do this stuff they really have lots of time in their hands and/or are great executricksters.

Bing, I've been politely ducking all these requests from people to get me onto their social networks. I didn't exactly know why, though. Just seemed like more "involvement" than was really necessary. Who has the time?

Now you've told me why I truly don't want to get on those things. I am Blackberry-phobic, and I only turn on a cell phone when I want to reach somebody badly enough to carry the phone and dial it. The electronic leash. Scary. I cannot imagine having one of those blinking communicator-thingies in my ear. Bluetooth, they tell me.

For the record, I am deep into technology in many other ways. I am not a Luddite -- I am a certified geekazoid. But I sure don't want to be electronically hounded, or tracked by devices that I don't want to carry. I don't want a kitchen counter full of chargers, either.

Freedom. This is my stand for freedom.

change is coming, Bing -- 2 is the new 140:

Ahh Bing !

An adage goes like "too much is too bad".
True for Sex, drinking, smoking and internet addiction!

I heard the word 'twitter' on the internets....but I don't know what they are. Maybe good eatin?

I keep hearin womin talkin about 'pilates', but when I ask for'em at an eytalian restaurant they just laugh at me.

I think you just wrote the next episode for the show "LOST".

It's everywhere! Recently I caught two members of my family twittering about me – while I was in the room:

Nooooo, don't delete yourself. I read your blog every morning (you're a fabulous writer, by the way) and didn't know you had a twitter account. I'm sure you said some pretty smart quips on there. Alas, the boat has left the harbour.

Actually, Kele, I've never even twittered! I just opened an account, for some reason. And since yesterday a dozen more people are now following me. I'm going to have to cater an event to keep them all happy.

OK Bing, you can get rid of them all with an Elephant Catchers Kit. In the box you will find a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a matchbox.
When you see one of those guys again, just look at him BACKWARDS through the binoculars. That makes him look very small. Then, simply pick him up with the tweezers and put him in the matchbox. They won't bother you again.

Would twitter help keep my geezerdom at bay, and give me minty fresh breath?