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Why The Rapture Is Like Clairol Hair Conditioner for Men

Harold Camping

I'm really sorry now that I sold all my worldly possessions last Friday, and especially that I drank my last bottle of expensive scotch on Saturday morning. Now it's clear I'm going to have to replace all that crap with new crap and stock my liquor cabinet again. There will be no Rapture. Or rather, if there was Rapture it passed me by entirely. I feel kinda used, I don't mind telling you.

I saw the outdoor advertising campaign. I'm sure you did, too. The billboards were everywhere, and they weren't too subtle. In fact, they were quite specific. Saturday. End of the world. Be there. I was. And it wasn't. So much for truth in advertising.

This wouldn't be the first time I was bamboozled by a comprehensive advertising campaign.

When I was a kid, I sent away for a giant tent. It looked boss. A huge, khaki room that you could put in your backyard and be a world away. After a few months of waiting, I rushed out to the mailbox one morning to find a beaten-up box with my name on it. I ripped it open with trembling hands. Inside was a bunch of crinkled, messed up plastic sheeting with some sticks, the kind you used to make a cheap kite. I threw the whole thing away.

A few years later, Clairol came out with the first hair conditioner for men. It said it would make your hair silky and manageable. I had a lot more hair then, and let's just say it was neither silky nor manageable. I imagined how much more sexy and popular I would be if my hair sported increased silkiness and manageability. I purchased a tube of the stuff and spent a long time in the shower the next morning super-conditioning my hair. The result was not what I was expecting. For the rest of the day I sported a nimbus of fine, straight, flyaway insanity. There was no evidence that my sex appeal was enhanced even in the slightest.

And so it has gone, year after year, with promises made by advertisers that produced purchasing decisions that turned out to deliver something less than what was expected. Cars that got less mileage than they claimed. Diets that left me just as fat as ever. Cologne that did not get me laid.

And now there's this Rapture thing.  It turns out that Harold Camping, the guy who spent millions and millions of dollars promoting the end of the world, owns more than 50 radio stations to which this campaign was designed to drive traffic. I'm sure it succeeded, short term. But in the end, you don't keep a customer's loyalty by making promises you can't keep. You can fool the American consumer once, maybe even twice, if he or she wants to buy what you're selling, but in the end you have to give the public the real thing or it's going to just move on and leave you in the dust, waiting for the second coming.

 

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Hi guys. Bing is all wrong about this whole rapture thing. I'm here in Heaven now. It's real nice. Great view. Lots of wine. And we get Bing's Blog! Here's a little song I wrote for those of you who didn't make Harold Camping's cut (sorry about that).

Would you know my name

if I blog from Heaven?

Would you be the same

if I blog from Heaven?

The days are long,

I wear a thong,

'cause the sun shines all day long

here in Heaven.

Would you send me apps

if I blog from Heaven?

Would you post some rap

if I blog from Heaven?

I'll find my way

despite doomsday

'cause I've got my Bing's Blog friends here in Heaven.

And here I was about to call Jesus an asshole when all my vitriol should have been directed at one Harold Camping. He's the AB Energizer of Christian proselytizing and as such shall be only remembered for his false promises (and flabby abs?)... Honestly, such morons (and moronic purchases) do more to discredit themselves than any objections from the opposition ever will.

I find it hard to believe that you fell for the whole Rapture mishegas. After the tent fiasco I'd think you'd have learned your lesson regarding overblown Camping advertisements.

Stanley,

Not the expensive scotch?

Harold Camping is O for 2 in his predictions of "God's timing to end the World and believers enraptured into heaven". Professor, Stephen Hawking: "Rejects heaven or after life as a "Fairy Tale." "People who are afraid of the dark are more likely to believe the fairy tale."

Hawking is closer to Jimmy The Greek than Camping as an odds maker. Camping's believers are baited twice with no results; Hawkings readers, pro and con, are simply fed scientific gaming simulations to enjoy objectivity in the workings of the "Cosmos".

Will Hawking get his due respect for his scientific works in his lifetime? Gallileo had to endure threats to his well being for his scientific works that proved to be accurate.

Theologians have set themselves up as a sort of government. To go against their fairy tales is like commiting treason-- to them. Their punishment is ostracism, intimidation, and coercion.

A rock is a rock. Dirt is Dirt. Wood is wood, and stardust is stardust no matter where it's located in the Universe!

People get enraptured in ectasy all the time. Proof is in the pudding. The World population is just another example of the "Big Bang"!

Yeah, I can't stay away. Done all I could to shake this bad habit.

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