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Anthony Weiner

Exclusive bulletins from the archives of TMZ!!

Posted June 9, 2011

tiberius

Exclusive! Kinky sex at Caesar’s swimming pool! (31 AD) Lazy, no-show emperor Tiberius found in naked sex-romp with underage boys at his lewd and lacivious luxury getaway in Capri! “I like to swim underneath them and grab their junk,” perverted Caesar tells an unnamed ”member” of his legion. “He’ll never survive this,” said one Senator. “It’s better for him to resign right now.” [more...]

Exclusive pics! Ben Franklin gets lapdance from French cutie! Royalists in Pennsylvania legislature are now call for his resignation, but friends of the randy roue assured TMZ that the eccentric diplomat intends to “hang in there” no matter what revelations are made about what his “poor Richard” is up to…  [more]

Exclusive! President Buchanan is gay! Rumors have been swirling for years about the dignified perpetual bachelor, but TMZ can now confirm that sources close to sources have seen the foppish Prez “bending over a page when he’s done with his reading.” [more]

Exclusive! Behind the scenes peek in the President Lincoln’s history of mental illness!  (1863) “He was close to suicide there a couple of times back in Illinois,” says a former friend from Unshaven Abe’s woodsplitting days. High ranking operatives in the President’s own Republican party are now asking the President to release his medical records or face impeachment. In the meantime, war operations against the South are on permanent hold while the media and Congress investigate this matter. “His wife isn’t right in the head either,” said another source… [more]

Exclusive interview with Leon Czolgosz, the man who allegedly shot President McKinley! (1901) “He got what was coming to him,” says the darkly handsome, intense young anarchist, who loves dogs and likes to summer in the Finger Lakes not far from where he fired the fatal shot. The President at the time of his death facing unnamed allegations and calls to resign from a number of sources close to TMZ. “I’m really a good person,” the charismatic gunman adds, going on to say that… [more]

Hey! Who’s running the nation, Woody!? (1919) Sources close to the White House reveal exclusively to TMZ that President Wacky Woodman Wilson had “a serious brain incident” sometime in the last several months, and that his wife, the long, lean and oh-so crafty Edith (who we hear likes to bathe in the nude) is now running the country, to which we ask, “Who elected YOU, dearie?”  [more...]

Exclusive! Icky Eleanor is a lesbian! (1932)… Calls come from both sides of the aisle for FDR resignation, but so far nobody has asked to see the “steamy” pictures of Easy Ellie in her love nest with hottie Lorena “Hump Me” Hickok… [more]

Exclusive! Priapic Ike in love tryst with his driver, sexy Kay Summersby! (1944) They don’t call her “OK Kay” for nothing! Intense pressure on “Gotta Have It Every Hour” Eisenhower to step down from his post as the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in Europe, but rumors are widespread that something even more important is planned for early June of this year. We’ll tell you all about that when we find out from our sources in Yorkville…  [more...]

Exclusive! JFK in all-day sex binge with… everybody!” (1962) “He just can’t keep it in his pants!” says one lucky housemaid. Calls for resignation have come from… [more]

Exclusive! J. Edgar Hoover’s  Naughty Undies! (1958) Congressional sources who insist on anonymity are calling for an investigation into the allegations that Horny Hoover never looked into organized crime because they’ve got the pics of his frilly panties. [more...]

Exclusive! Loony Lyndon in Gross Potty Parade! (1965) Numerous White House officials tell TMZ that the President Johnson routinely has meetings with aides and others while he’s sitting on the toilet! Calls have come from the Legion of Decency and other super-moral groups for the President’s resignation. If he leaves, we hope he pulls up his pants first! [more]

And more to come! Send in your bulletins from the past, when there was no digital space to protect us from all the guys who, you know, lack the good judgment necessary to be our leaders!

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Anthony Wiener

Some advice for Anthony Weiner

Posted June 6, 2011

wiener

Dude, you’re going about this thing all wrong. You’ve got to play the game that got you here. Up until now, you’ve been smart, funny and, to use perhaps an inappropriate word in this situation… cocky. Now you’re running and hiding and saying dumb things like you can’t tell with “certitude” whether it’s your dong in the picture or not. This just isn’t credible. Every guy knows what his member of congress looks like.

Now your limp response to this humiliating situation is being used by the right wing media to do everything it can to derail any attempt you might make to be a progressive candidate for Mayor of New York. Interestingly, you didn’t see this kind of wall-to-wall coverage when, a few years ago, Bill O’Reilly failed to distinguish between a loofah and a falafel. But not since David Pecker took over American Media have you heard such an onslaught of naughty-naughty smutty jokes, some I haven’t heard since, like, Junior High School. It’s politically motivated. So suck it up and treat it as such: coolly, calmly and strategically.

I’m going to give you a message track that I think would work. You can take it for free. If this was being offered by a professional on a formal basis — which by the way you sorely need, bro — it would cost you, like, $100K. But take it. Gratis. No problemo, as Arnold would say. Here it is:

  • Yeah, my name is Weiner. If your name was Weiner, you might have changed it, but I haven’t, and for that alone I should get a couple of points.
  • Enough with the wiener jokes already. I’ve heard them all before. Since I was a little kid, in fact. And they weren’t funny then, except to the most immature and stupid morons in the back of the class.
  • If your name was Weiner, you might also do a number of things to deal with the situation with humor. These days that may mean taking some phone pictures of your wiener. Mature? No. Sorry. Sometimes we all make jokes about things that make us a little uncomfortable. I’m guilty of that. Borderline inappropriate humor. Sue me.
  • Yes. It was my wiener in the picture. It is fully clothed, and nothing more than one might see if we were at Jones Beach on a hot summer day. I think you’ll agree I have nothing to be ashamed of, by the way.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t admit to this before. I was embarrassed.
  • I did not send my picture to anybody. I did not tweet it. I did not text it. Somebody else did it. I won’t say who. Frankly, I don’t even really know how it happened. It was a picture on my phone. And now somebody else has it. Now everybody has it. It’s a nightmare, one that I’m sure you would hate to have happen to you.
  • Don’t you have pictures on your phone that you might not want everybody in the world to see? Is it nice to have your private life hacked into and tweeted out? Would you like it to happen to you? Or are you going to go home now and erase the memory card on your phone? Maybe you should. Because there isn’t one of us whose privacy is safe from technology and the media.
  • One more time: My name is Weiner. I’m proud of it. I’m going to be running for Mayor one of these days, because New York City needs a chief executive who has one.

We can, of course, tinker with it a little bit. Have your people do so, if they like. Your new people, I mean. The ones you get right after you fire the ones you’ve been listening to.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger

I’m with Arnold

Posted May 20, 2011

arnold

Look. I’m probably the only one around who feels this way, but I’m getting pretty sick of people being busted for sexual indiscretions. I’m not talking about rapists, excuse me, ALLEGED rapists like our visitor now on bail from the IMF, or alleged abusers or bullies, or even the occasional drunk who does something entertaining to enthrall us all for the five or six seconds that represents our common attention span. I’m talking about people who engage in dirty, nasty, illicit sex with another consenting adult and then are forced to bend themselves into painful little pretzels to cover up their indiscretions and mistakes. I’m talking, in short, about Arnold.

I’m with Arnold. I feel for him. I’m sorry that the secret he kept that held his life together was revealed by the whorish, prurient media. I’m sorry that people are cruising the internet looking for pictures of the lady he banged to such productive effect. I’m sorry that when those pictures were found and published by the sleazy, greasy little websites that feel they’re performing some kind of public service by doing crap like this, everybody got together around the national water-cooler to cluck, whinny and chortle about how chubby and lackluster the woman turned out to be.  I’m sorry he’s fodder for the machine. 

There’s no question, of course, that the man was a fool. To father two kids within a week of each other! What a horn dog! Yes, he has supported the little illegitimate fellow for his whole life and will, I imagine, continue to do so. But now his secret is out. And it’s so… juicy. Sex with the maid! End of a big celebrity marriage! So much pain. It’s delicious! Hey, did you know that Arnold’s 17 year old son, Patrick, changed the name on his Twitter account from Patrick Schwarzenegger to Patrick Shriver? Boy, that must really hurt, huh? Hurt the kid. Hurt his mom. Hurt Arnold. Everybody hurts. It’s terrific. It may even keep us entertained until, like, next week.

The fallout continues most excessively. I read, with sadness, that Arnold has, at least temporarily, abandoned his acting career to attend to matters pertaining. “At the request of Arnold Schwarzenegger, we asked Creative Artists Agency to inform all his motion picture projects currently under way or being negotiated to stop planning until further notice,” his official statement read. “Gov. Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes ‘Cry Macho,’ ‘The Terminator’ franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Gov. Schwarzenegger decides.”  I hope he decides that He’ll Be Back very, very soon.

He should. The ordeal that this society puts sex idiots through, at least when it comes to male sex idiots, is a form of public castration. Look at how the golf club has been taken out of the hands of the greatest athlete who ever held a niblick. Now Arnold is essentially terminated. He won’t be the last. Because now everybody knows everything about everybody and in the end everybody is an idiot. More specifically, everybody is a sex idiot.  You are too, I bet.  Maybe the next time this will all be about you, if you’re silly and horny and unlucky enough. Won’t that be fun for the rest of us.

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